Aaaaahhhhh.
That's the sound of my relief.
One of the things that I have been struggling with throughout this process was the question of how/when to tell my manager that I was planning to adopt a child. For context, you should know the following: 1) while I have worked for the same company for over 4 years, I've been in my current role for less than a year; 2) my "team" (and my manager) is actually located overseas and I am one of only 2 people in our group in the US (as well as being responsible for the region); and 3) my company has an extraordinary maternity leave package of 16 weeks plus flex-time upon return (and it applies to adoptions too! yes - I feel very, very lucky). So with those things (and a few others) in mind, I have been a bit concerned about sharing this news, as I did not want to disappoint my manager, who seems to have big plans for the upcoming year. I hate to say it, but I've also been a bit worried that if I spoke up too soon, I'd find myself being treated differently (i.e. not in a good way) and passed over for promotion, bonus, and other opportunities.... I know that this is not really likely, but it's been running through my mind.
As a result, I've been battling in my mind the question of "what is the right thing to do?" I wanted to give enough notice to ensure that we can plan for my departure, but not so much that people start to write me off as someone who won't be around to see things through. It's not like pregnancy where you can predict when you will be bringing your child home.
Well, as things would have it, my manager decided a few weeks ago to come into NY this week and I decided that I would take the opportunity to tell her. After all, I would much rather have the chance to speak to her in person than share this over the phone.
And today was the day.
So I walked into her office armed with my speech about my plans to set things in order before I take leave... to be available during my time off... to volunteer for weekly meetings/calls while I'm out... blah, blah, blah....
And you know what? She didn't even ask about any of that. As soon as I said the words that my husband and I were planning to adopt, she went full speed ahead into a litany of questions about the process and what brought us to the decision. She was lovely (of course, I should have expected this, as she has always been great to me). I really felt so relieved. And it feels so good to have this off my chest. I'm not good at lying or hiding things and that's what I've felt like I've been doing for the last couple of months.
Anyhow, I know we will still have to discuss plans for my leave at some point (I'm honestly not sure that part has hit her yet). But it's so nice to know that I can discuss our adoption plans more openly and freely and feel supported at work.
How great is that?
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
lucky(?) number seven
Today marks seven weeks on the waitlist! I'm hoping this means we're about half way (maybe??) through this period of waiting - not to be confused with the waiting to be waiting period or the waiting for a court date period, waiting to travel, etc., etc... And isn't it funny how the waiting seems to gets even harder with each phase? You'd think we'd be getting good at this waiting thing. Hmm...
Anyhow... I'm pretty sure every Gladney family is familiar with Grace's FBI. But for those of you who aren't, our fellow Gladneyite and blogger, Grace, has somehow had the patience to compile stats about all the Gladney Ethiopia families in process to help us all keep track of when referrals are coming and how long families are waiting for court dates, etc. It is AMAZING!!
Well, I am fascinated by the FBI, and since it was a bit on the quiet side today, I downloaded the info into a spreadsheet (Grace: hope you don't mind) and started logging additional information onto the chart, including how many weeks it took for families from waitlist to referral and referral to court date. For some reason, I like seeing the information with the number of weeks associated to it. Unfortunately, I'm not the most technologically savvy person, so right now my enhanced spreadsheet exists only as an excel spreadsheet, but if anyone is interested in the info, shoot me an email or leave yours in a comment and I'll send you what I have.
And yeah, I know, I promised more EJ pics. They are coming... I promise.
Anyhow... I'm pretty sure every Gladney family is familiar with Grace's FBI. But for those of you who aren't, our fellow Gladneyite and blogger, Grace, has somehow had the patience to compile stats about all the Gladney Ethiopia families in process to help us all keep track of when referrals are coming and how long families are waiting for court dates, etc. It is AMAZING!!
Well, I am fascinated by the FBI, and since it was a bit on the quiet side today, I downloaded the info into a spreadsheet (Grace: hope you don't mind) and started logging additional information onto the chart, including how many weeks it took for families from waitlist to referral and referral to court date. For some reason, I like seeing the information with the number of weeks associated to it. Unfortunately, I'm not the most technologically savvy person, so right now my enhanced spreadsheet exists only as an excel spreadsheet, but if anyone is interested in the info, shoot me an email or leave yours in a comment and I'll send you what I have.
And yeah, I know, I promised more EJ pics. They are coming... I promise.
Friday, March 21, 2008
a game of tag
So I get a call from Ryan today at work letting me know we have some "weird" comments on our blog. Seems I have been tagged and tagged.
After I explained the concept of blog tagging to him, he lamented that all the comments related to me or ej and it's like he doesn't exist (other than to act as ej's translator here). So I told him I would fix that. I am going to use one of my tags to share 10 things about Ryan. (Beware of what you wish for!!)
But first, for those unfamiliar with tagging, the rules: You've been tagged! Share 10 things about yourself, and then choose 5 people to tag. "Tag" them in their comments section, and be sure to tell them the reason you chose them. Direct them to your blog to get the full details. You can't tag the person who tagged you. As a courtesy to the person who tagged you, please let them know when you have posted so they can have the sheer delight and extra work load of reading your answers.
So get comfortable, this could take a while...
First, a few interesting facts about my husband:
1. Ryan is possibly the kindest, most generous, biggest hearted, smartest, most patient, and loving person I know. And I am not saying this only because I am married to him. Honestly. In fact, on those days when I am feeling grumpy or moody or difficult for no reason (yes, sometimes I do feel like being a grouch for no good reason), I think it would be a lot easier if he were not so wonderful. I'd sure feel less guilty and wouldn't have to think twice!
2. Ryan did not know he was a dog person until he met ej. Actually, he didn't know it until a few months later. He definitely was NOT a dog person during ej's puppy days when mr. j cried all night long, chewed up our couch, dug holes in our rug and generally caused chaos. But they are best buddies now.
3. Lucky for me, Ryan likes to cook and does so amazingly well.
4. Ryan loves me despite my affinity for very bad (and often in poor taste) reality TV. His taste is a bit more sophisticated.
5. Ryan trained to be a rafting guide when he was in college (at least I think it was when he was in college. Ry - correct me if I'm wrong).
6. I suspect that most people would assume that Ryan is fairly serious or conservative when they first meet him. But he can be very, very silly (he makes great faces). He keeps me laughing constantly.
7. Ryan has had his fair share of odd jobs including working at a cucumber sorting facility, painting and landscaping at schools, and picking berries.
8. Ryan is usually the more financially responsible of the two of us, but he has a knack for finding the most outrageous, fantastic vacation destinations.
9. Ryan works for a university here and his job has allowed him to work on some amazing projects. For example, his recent trip to South Africa was part of an effort to improve HIV treatment and resources to the people there. He's also had the opportunity to work with Bob Woodward on a project for the university's journalism school. I am jealous.
10. Ryan was born to be a dad. In some ways, I think my own desire to have children has sky-rocketed for no reason other than to make him a father.
As for me:
1. I love (LOVE!!) to travel. Ryan recently introduced me to the concept of "50 by 50" - i.e. visiting 50 countries by the time you are 50. I thought that sounded impossible, but then realized that I've already got around 35-36 countries (don't ask me why, but I get a different number every time I count) under my belt, meaning I need about 1 new country a year to get there.
1.5. I've actually always had a very high aptitude for math, despite my inability to count the number of countries I've been too.
1.75 (updated 3/23) OK. So I've taken an official recount and it's 38 countries down. I understand that I may have to take back statement 1.5 above.
2. I dreamed of being a fashion designer almost all my life, but then studied nutrition and exercise physiology in college, and ended up becoming a corporate lawyer. And, if I could do it all over again, I'd become a photographer... or a writer... or a photojournalist.
3. I like to think I'm adventurous. I've had the great fortune to have gone skydiving, hot air ballooning, parasailing... ridden horses, camels, elephants, and ostriches (yes, you can ride an ostrich)... and rock climbed, hiked, and rappelled... all in some very cool places.
4. I am not adventurous when it comes to the ocean. I hate and fear the water. We can spend a week at a lovely island resort without my ever feeling the need to get in the ocean past my ankles.
5. I could live on bread. Seriously. Bread and bread products are my favorite food group. No atkins or south beach diets for me.
6. I think being closed-minded is the worst thing a person can be.
7. I have a serious clothes shopping addiction. Salespeople at department stores regularly offer me their business cards for specialized services. I didn't even think they had business cards.
8. I would love to run a marathon. At one point while I was in law school I actually started training to run one, but I never went the distance (literally and figuratively). Now I can never figure out how I would ever find the time to even try training to run. But I am in awe of marathon runners and every year when the NYC marathon happens, I get a little emotional.
9. I am a procrastinator. Or a semi-procrastinator. I tend to jump right into things, getting a head start... and then I let them sit. Even if I am on a roll with a project, I have a tendency to stop just shy of finishing it, and will wait until crunch time to wrap it up.
10. I have always wanted to build a family through adoption. I don't even remember how or when I first learned about the concept of adoption, but for as long as I can recall, I just knew this was the path for me.
Whew.
According to Angie, being tagged brings good luck, so I am tagging Jana & Michael, the other Meredith & Ryan, and Susan & Chad and hoping that good news is ahead for everyone!
ps - in response to popular demand, more ej pics to come very soon. in the meantime, you can enjoy an "ej through the years" slideshow here
After I explained the concept of blog tagging to him, he lamented that all the comments related to me or ej and it's like he doesn't exist (other than to act as ej's translator here). So I told him I would fix that. I am going to use one of my tags to share 10 things about Ryan. (Beware of what you wish for!!)
But first, for those unfamiliar with tagging, the rules: You've been tagged! Share 10 things about yourself, and then choose 5 people to tag. "Tag" them in their comments section, and be sure to tell them the reason you chose them. Direct them to your blog to get the full details. You can't tag the person who tagged you. As a courtesy to the person who tagged you, please let them know when you have posted so they can have the sheer delight and extra work load of reading your answers.
So get comfortable, this could take a while...
First, a few interesting facts about my husband:
1. Ryan is possibly the kindest, most generous, biggest hearted, smartest, most patient, and loving person I know. And I am not saying this only because I am married to him. Honestly. In fact, on those days when I am feeling grumpy or moody or difficult for no reason (yes, sometimes I do feel like being a grouch for no good reason), I think it would be a lot easier if he were not so wonderful. I'd sure feel less guilty and wouldn't have to think twice!
2. Ryan did not know he was a dog person until he met ej. Actually, he didn't know it until a few months later. He definitely was NOT a dog person during ej's puppy days when mr. j cried all night long, chewed up our couch, dug holes in our rug and generally caused chaos. But they are best buddies now.
3. Lucky for me, Ryan likes to cook and does so amazingly well.
4. Ryan loves me despite my affinity for very bad (and often in poor taste) reality TV. His taste is a bit more sophisticated.
5. Ryan trained to be a rafting guide when he was in college (at least I think it was when he was in college. Ry - correct me if I'm wrong).
6. I suspect that most people would assume that Ryan is fairly serious or conservative when they first meet him. But he can be very, very silly (he makes great faces). He keeps me laughing constantly.
7. Ryan has had his fair share of odd jobs including working at a cucumber sorting facility, painting and landscaping at schools, and picking berries.
8. Ryan is usually the more financially responsible of the two of us, but he has a knack for finding the most outrageous, fantastic vacation destinations.
9. Ryan works for a university here and his job has allowed him to work on some amazing projects. For example, his recent trip to South Africa was part of an effort to improve HIV treatment and resources to the people there. He's also had the opportunity to work with Bob Woodward on a project for the university's journalism school. I am jealous.
10. Ryan was born to be a dad. In some ways, I think my own desire to have children has sky-rocketed for no reason other than to make him a father.
As for me:
1. I love (LOVE!!) to travel. Ryan recently introduced me to the concept of "50 by 50" - i.e. visiting 50 countries by the time you are 50. I thought that sounded impossible, but then realized that I've already got around 35-36 countries (don't ask me why, but I get a different number every time I count) under my belt, meaning I need about 1 new country a year to get there.
1.5. I've actually always had a very high aptitude for math, despite my inability to count the number of countries I've been too.
1.75 (updated 3/23) OK. So I've taken an official recount and it's 38 countries down. I understand that I may have to take back statement 1.5 above.
2. I dreamed of being a fashion designer almost all my life, but then studied nutrition and exercise physiology in college, and ended up becoming a corporate lawyer. And, if I could do it all over again, I'd become a photographer... or a writer... or a photojournalist.
3. I like to think I'm adventurous. I've had the great fortune to have gone skydiving, hot air ballooning, parasailing... ridden horses, camels, elephants, and ostriches (yes, you can ride an ostrich)... and rock climbed, hiked, and rappelled... all in some very cool places.
4. I am not adventurous when it comes to the ocean. I hate and fear the water. We can spend a week at a lovely island resort without my ever feeling the need to get in the ocean past my ankles.
5. I could live on bread. Seriously. Bread and bread products are my favorite food group. No atkins or south beach diets for me.
6. I think being closed-minded is the worst thing a person can be.
7. I have a serious clothes shopping addiction. Salespeople at department stores regularly offer me their business cards for specialized services. I didn't even think they had business cards.
8. I would love to run a marathon. At one point while I was in law school I actually started training to run one, but I never went the distance (literally and figuratively). Now I can never figure out how I would ever find the time to even try training to run. But I am in awe of marathon runners and every year when the NYC marathon happens, I get a little emotional.
9. I am a procrastinator. Or a semi-procrastinator. I tend to jump right into things, getting a head start... and then I let them sit. Even if I am on a roll with a project, I have a tendency to stop just shy of finishing it, and will wait until crunch time to wrap it up.
10. I have always wanted to build a family through adoption. I don't even remember how or when I first learned about the concept of adoption, but for as long as I can recall, I just knew this was the path for me.
Whew.
According to Angie, being tagged brings good luck, so I am tagging Jana & Michael, the other Meredith & Ryan, and Susan & Chad and hoping that good news is ahead for everyone!
ps - in response to popular demand, more ej pics to come very soon. in the meantime, you can enjoy an "ej through the years" slideshow here
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
good things!
Referrals are flowing! Look here and here and here....
We've been following a lot of these families on their journeys, and it is so exciting to read when one has finally been matched with their child. We don't actually know any of these people... but it sure does feel like we do. And we are celebrating with all of them.
As for us, well, today marks six weeks on the waitlist and all these referrals are giving us an added boost of optimism that we might be getting close to the end of this part of our own journey (I think in many ways the journey will just begin when we finally do meet our child!).
So what have we been doing the past few weeks:
* training ej (or trying), so that he's on his best behavior when our little one does arrive (and yes, this entails carrying around a baby doll - slathered in mustela baby cream to make it smell like a real kid - to try to get mr. j used to us paying attention to someone other than him). You can see his take on our efforts below ;)
* me - cooking dinner for Ryan for the first time in the 4 years we've been together (yes, I know, it's sad... I won't even tell you how lost I was in the grocery store trying to find things. I've said it before and I'll say it again - I have the best husband.)
* cleaning out the closet in the second bedroom so that we have somewhere to put all things baby (okay, okay... cleaning out two shelves in said closet. We have a lot of work ahead of us.)
* making our wedding album -yes, we finally met with our photographer and the album should arrive in April.
* stalking all the blogs of those ahead of us on the wailist - and it seems to be working - the referrals are coming!!
We've been following a lot of these families on their journeys, and it is so exciting to read when one has finally been matched with their child. We don't actually know any of these people... but it sure does feel like we do. And we are celebrating with all of them.
As for us, well, today marks six weeks on the waitlist and all these referrals are giving us an added boost of optimism that we might be getting close to the end of this part of our own journey (I think in many ways the journey will just begin when we finally do meet our child!).
So what have we been doing the past few weeks:
* training ej (or trying), so that he's on his best behavior when our little one does arrive (and yes, this entails carrying around a baby doll - slathered in mustela baby cream to make it smell like a real kid - to try to get mr. j used to us paying attention to someone other than him). You can see his take on our efforts below ;)
* me - cooking dinner for Ryan for the first time in the 4 years we've been together (yes, I know, it's sad... I won't even tell you how lost I was in the grocery store trying to find things. I've said it before and I'll say it again - I have the best husband.)
* cleaning out the closet in the second bedroom so that we have somewhere to put all things baby (okay, okay... cleaning out two shelves in said closet. We have a lot of work ahead of us.)
* making our wedding album -yes, we finally met with our photographer and the album should arrive in April.
* stalking all the blogs of those ahead of us on the wailist - and it seems to be working - the referrals are coming!!
Monday, March 17, 2008
Living on the ej: Gathering Evidence
ej here... It's been awhile since I last checked in...
But something is definitely going on. I can smell it - my instinct is that all this adoption talk is somehow connected to the mysterious behaviors I am witnessing. Mer has me hooked on those Forensic Files/48 Hours Mystery tv shows, so I'm starting to piece together an episode of my own - here is the evidence I've gathered so far:
(where is Stone Phillips with a commercial break and cool sound effect when you need one?)
Arf!
ej
But something is definitely going on. I can smell it - my instinct is that all this adoption talk is somehow connected to the mysterious behaviors I am witnessing. Mer has me hooked on those Forensic Files/48 Hours Mystery tv shows, so I'm starting to piece together an episode of my own - here is the evidence I've gathered so far:
- strict new dinner rules: my initial dinner rations have been cut in half (are they storing food for a new arrival? a reaction to the subprime crisis? yes, i watch MSNBC sometimes) then while the people eat, i have to lie down on a blanket and act all sweet, and then i get thrown a few additional scraps every few minutes if i lie still (i've been trying lying on the blanket throughout the day to trick them into an actual increase in rations, but so far this has only caused them to laugh at me and pat my head, but i am still holding out hope for this strategy, i am slowly wearing them down, i can tell)
- any extended whining or crying on my part is now getting me tossed into the bathroom dungeon for an agonizing 15 seconds - i mean, geez, i just want whatever is on the kitchen counter or attention or a treat or whatever rolled under the couch, is that really so much to ask? (and if this keeps up, what's next, enhanced interrogation techniques?)
- my role as house chaperone (aka chastity dog) is being killed with kindness; anytime mer & ry would show some affection, i used to jump and nip and bark and generally go bananas, but now they throw treats at me every few seconds I stay quiet. I know they are testing my resolve, and I try to stay strong, but they've been using the liver treats which are sooo goood....
- mer has occasionally started carrying around this strange-smelling toy that kind of looks like a little person and makes odd noises every so often, but it doesn't move around on its own like my cousin Matthew. Given the opportunity, I'm quite confident that I could perform a comprehensive surgical investigation to more fully comprehend the origin of this new mystery object (you should see some of my prior work), but so far, I have not been allowed to jump on it or grab it when she is sitting with it on the couch, and it remains just out of reach on the table when I'm here alone...
(where is Stone Phillips with a commercial break and cool sound effect when you need one?)
Arf!
ej
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
another week down!
Five weeks down.
And I still can't help wondering how many more are ahead of us.
Isn't it funny how we long to get to certain milestones (agency approval... CIS approval... waitlist... referral...), imagining that the completion of that step will make us feel so much better. And it does, briefly. It's just that with the conclusion of each big step, we also find that we are that much more anxious to move onto the next phase.
Hmmm....
Anyway, I apologize for not being much of a blogger lately. Things have been a bit hectic here - not helped by the fact that I've been trying to adjust my schedule so that I can stay up late to talk to Ryan who has been in South Africa (he's flying home as I write - yay!!). I am tired!! Speaking of which (the talking to Ryan across an ocean, not being tired) - we've mostly kept in touch this past week by video chat thru aol messenger and it made me think that it would be a great way to keep in touch and share our experiences with friends and family when we finally do travel to Ethiopia. Don't know if anyone reading this has already traveled there, but if you have, could you comment/email me and let me know how internet service was. Is the connection good enough for video chats? Not sure we'll actually want to bring a laptop given how much other stuff we'll be taking, but it is a cheap and fun way to keep in touch.
Going to try to catch up on some sleep (oh, and the Eliot Spitzer scandal - who would've thought??), but I promise to check in again here soon.
And I still can't help wondering how many more are ahead of us.
Isn't it funny how we long to get to certain milestones (agency approval... CIS approval... waitlist... referral...), imagining that the completion of that step will make us feel so much better. And it does, briefly. It's just that with the conclusion of each big step, we also find that we are that much more anxious to move onto the next phase.
Hmmm....
Anyway, I apologize for not being much of a blogger lately. Things have been a bit hectic here - not helped by the fact that I've been trying to adjust my schedule so that I can stay up late to talk to Ryan who has been in South Africa (he's flying home as I write - yay!!). I am tired!! Speaking of which (the talking to Ryan across an ocean, not being tired) - we've mostly kept in touch this past week by video chat thru aol messenger and it made me think that it would be a great way to keep in touch and share our experiences with friends and family when we finally do travel to Ethiopia. Don't know if anyone reading this has already traveled there, but if you have, could you comment/email me and let me know how internet service was. Is the connection good enough for video chats? Not sure we'll actually want to bring a laptop given how much other stuff we'll be taking, but it is a cheap and fun way to keep in touch.
Going to try to catch up on some sleep (oh, and the Eliot Spitzer scandal - who would've thought??), but I promise to check in again here soon.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
one month down
Today marks one month since we were put on Gladney's wait list! And according to Gladney's estimates that puts us somewhere between one-fifth to one-third of the way towards our referral (I'd like to place my vote for one-third).
There hasn't been much to report lately (at least not on our end - but check out the Rooneys who finally (FINALLY!!) got the amazing news they had been hoping for). Anyhow, as I was saying, so far the wait has been pretty uneventful for us. I wouldn't say we have been able to put the whole waiting and wondering thing out of our minds, but we are starting to comfortably settle into the place where it is a relief to be done with all the paperwork, where we can envision the end of this process... but we do not yet have the anxiety that inevitably will come as we enter the "estimated timeframe for a referral."
Of course we're still not quite ready to start making any major purchases or preparations for our child. The lion (see below) will have to do for now. But for the moment we are at least experiencing a sense of calm, something that has been quite rare over the last several months!
I realize this was not the most exciting post, but I'm going to have to leave it at this for now. Ryan is in South Africa (more on that later) and EJ is not pleased that I am in the office/soon to be child's bedroom typing away at the computer. EJ really is not a fan of anyone spending time in this room. Poor thing has no idea what's to come.
There hasn't been much to report lately (at least not on our end - but check out the Rooneys who finally (FINALLY!!) got the amazing news they had been hoping for). Anyhow, as I was saying, so far the wait has been pretty uneventful for us. I wouldn't say we have been able to put the whole waiting and wondering thing out of our minds, but we are starting to comfortably settle into the place where it is a relief to be done with all the paperwork, where we can envision the end of this process... but we do not yet have the anxiety that inevitably will come as we enter the "estimated timeframe for a referral."
Of course we're still not quite ready to start making any major purchases or preparations for our child. The lion (see below) will have to do for now. But for the moment we are at least experiencing a sense of calm, something that has been quite rare over the last several months!
I realize this was not the most exciting post, but I'm going to have to leave it at this for now. Ryan is in South Africa (more on that later) and EJ is not pleased that I am in the office/soon to be child's bedroom typing away at the computer. EJ really is not a fan of anyone spending time in this room. Poor thing has no idea what's to come.
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