hiatus

I would like to thank everyone for the encouraging emails and comments.... It really does mean so much to us.

It has been a pretty tough week for me. Can't quite explain why this week seems to be worse than last. And hoping that next is better, but as I sit here today, well, I've got a knot in my stomach and tears in my eyes... and I can't shake the feeling that something is not quite right.

So I am taking a break. I don't really enjoy blogging or reading blogs much these days. I am genuinely thrilled and excited for those who have received their referrals lately, but I would be lying if I said that it was not also quite painful seeing everyone close to us on the waitlist receive their referrals (and, in fact, some waiting several weeks less than us), while we sit with no idea of why or when or what's going on...

Anyway....

The good news is that Ryan's sister arrives this morning for a long weekend visit and we've got some fun things planned. And then next week we will leave on a much needed vacation, although I am less than excited by the realization that I will probably be sitting on the beach, colorful cocktail in hand, with my blackberry and cell phone within reach and adoption on my mind - not exactly what I was looking for. Oh well.

And with that... signing off for a bit.

:(

I feel somewhat at a loss for words these days.

I'd like to post happy, funny, light things, but I'm not really feeling happy, funny, or light. This part of the wait is hard and, much as I tried to prepare myself for this, I cannot keep myself from having some pretty down days. What can I say - we have 16.5 weeks of waiting under our belt and we're not getting any better at it.

above average

While I normally like to think of Ryan and myself as hard-working, motivated people, there are some times when I'd really prefer to be just average (even below average).

Like when it comes to getting a referral.

According to this, the average number of days between waitlist to referral for a boy is 92 (for our agency). As of today, we have been waiting 108 days. This is not exactly the type of thing I was hoping to be "above average" at. And please, please, please don't let me break any records.

:(

ps - even though I'm not loving the numbers, I do love that Jared actually took the time to figure this out!

if you build it, he will come

We caved. Well, I caved.

We've been trying to avoid making baby-related purchases, as we fear the possibility of staring at an empty nursery for months. But that fear is competing with my desire to start planning for our child's arrival... and the need to try to enjoy the waiting/expecting phase of this process (difficult as that seems to be lately).

So... we did it! We finally made our first significant purchase:



We are ready for "the call" now (well, minus a crib, bottles, changing table, clothes...).

ps -The doll is EJ's training "coach." You might remember our dog trainer's advice that we try to get EJ adjusted to there being a little one around...

distraction

..don't have much (good news) to share about the adoption journey these days, so I thought I'd post some pics instead. They're pretty random, but I think they help to tell our story. And they make me smile.

still

We are still here... still waiting... still feeling like we described below (although perhaps with just a little less intensity... maybe...).

As of today, we have been waiting 14 weeks for our referral. I keep trying to remind myself that when we first got news that we were officially waiting, I didn't think we were likely to get a referral until mid-June; Ryan was more optimistic with a late May guess (see our guesses on the side bar). But then we entered the 3-5 month window and there were all these referrals and we watched ourselves move up the FBI and, well, yeah, we let ourselves imagine the possibility that the call just might happen any minute. Ugh.

We are a little calmer now, trying to remain optimistic and excited, but without being consumed by anxiety (I am not saying we are successful). Wish us luck!

did I say this was easy?

Anxious. Excited. Mind racing. Attached-to-cell-phone. Hopeful. Freaked Out. Crazed. Can't concentrate. Obsessively checking messages. Sleepless. %@&*!#!!

= Me

So there have been a lot of referrals over the past week, which is definitely cool and super exciting. And I have been faithfully following the FBI and the blogs of my fellow PAPs, enjoying all the action.

Until we reached the top of the list.

Then it was like my mind and body took a sharp 180. It's one thing to know that you are making your way up the waitlist... another to try to comprehend that you could be next. (Or not). In one day, I have gone from happily and patiently waiting to being crazed by the thought that our call really could come at any time. I couldn't sleep last night and I was pre-occupied with thoughts of a referral all day today. All the while being painfully aware that there may not be any more referrals for weeks (or simply that our referral will not come for weeks (months?)). I'm already out of my mind. And it's only been one day. I could be in trouble....

we're in

Today marks three months of waiting, and you know what that means... we are in the "WINDOW!!"

challenged

Since I've noted our lack of adoption news a few times lately, Grace has given me a few adoption-related blogging suggestions. And I'm up for the challenge, so here goes:

1. What quality do you hope to pass on to baby? What quality of Ryan's do you hope gets passed on to the baby?

For myself, I hope to pass on a curiosity and interest in the world - seeing the world, learning about different places and people and cultures, and having an appreciation for the beauty in those differences. As for Ryan, well, he possesses many qualities I hope get passed on, but if I have to pick one, it would be his compassion.

2. Attempt to make Ethiopian food. Post pictures of the results (and of your face/ryan's face/ej's face as you try it.)

I promise we will do this! We have been cooking from our African cookbook (okay, well Ryan has been cooking from it), but we haven't yet made any traditional Ethiopian food. But we will. (And Jennifer and Jeffrey - you are invited to join us, since I know you also thought this was a great idea!)

3. Write an adoption haiku. They are deceptively difficult. Try an adoption acrostic.

I am proud to say that I have recently written my first adoption haiku (first published here)

while waiting we blog
sharing our journey to you
our guzo of love

I admit I had to look up acrostic, and this one is gonna take some time. Hmm... But check back. I'll post when I come up with one.

4. Tell us your favorite childhood memory and why it is your favorite. Tell us how you will re-create that specialness for baby.

Wow. This is a tough one. I have a lot of good childhood memories (thanks mom and dad!). Everything from barbecues in the backyard... to family vacations... making "forts" out of blankets and sheets that ran from my bedroom down the hall to my brother's room... and decorating the house for birthdays and holidays.... It is hard to pick just one. But what pervades all of these memories are the times spent together with my parents and my brother, feeling secure and happy and loved, and I certainly hope we can give our child the same feelings.

5. Tell us a list of boys names you do (or don't) like, and why.

Well, we do have our list narrowed down to about 3-5 names (depending on the day), but I regret to say that I will be unable to share these just yet. We have not revealed our list to anyone yet (meaning my mother will kill me if I share it here before I share it with her!) and probably won't until we see our son and finally decide.

But I can share a few names that one or both of us really liked and had been in contention for a while: Hunter, Isaac, Jackson, Elijah, Jacob. And EJ really liked Seymour, after his favorite dog in our building.

So thank you Grace for this idea. Fun to think about these things, and hopefully good reading for anyone following this blog. I invite my fellow bloggers (especially those struggling with finding things to do while waiting) to also take what I am hereby naming the "Grace Challenge!"

checking in

I feel like I've been pretty bad at keeping up with the blog lately....

It's a bit tough to chronicle this part of the adoption journey, since we're pretty much doing nothing adoption-related these days (ya know, besides stalking the FBI and other blogs and checking my cell phone constantly on the outside chance that someone at Gladney feels like calling).

The decision as to with whether or not to start preparing a nursery and buying all things baby is still a struggle. I'm definitely developing a bit of a nesting instinct and I find myself checking out parents and kids on the street in a different way these days - i.e. in the "what kind of stroller/carrier/diaper bag/bottle/fill-in-the-blank-with-any-baby-product are they using...?" kind of way. But being ever mindful of the fact that it could still be many months before we travel to Ethiopia (darn rainy season!), we don't want to do to much now, only to find ourselves staring into an empty nursery for a long time. (absolutely no judgment about others who are able to enjoy this aspect of the wait and are having fun preparing their nurseries/children's rooms, etc. - we just know ourselves and think it would be a challenge for us to deal with this possibility).

So for now we mostly stick to window shopping. But once we do find our comfort zone - watch out baby boutiques!