wrapping up

As we get ready to start the new year, we can't help but think about all that we've experienced this year.

There were highs: buying an apartment and moving, a napa getaway... there were lows: a big, bad bump on Simon's head, loved ones lost.... There were many, many firsts: first steps, first birthday, first mother's and father's days as parents, first real injury (see lows above), first family trip.... So many memories in such a short time. It is really so hard to believe this year has come and gone. We have a lot to be thankful for, and we are.

We are also excited about what 2010 has to offer. Stay tuned - we anticipate lots more adventure ahead!!

To all our friends and family, we wish you a great night and very, very happy and healthy start to the new year!!
- M & R & S & EJ

hello

Is anybody still out there?

Anyone?

I don't blame you if you're not. I admit it might seem like we've abandoned the blog. We haven't. Or at least we didn't mean to. But I totally understand if you doubt us. It's been a looooooooong time since we've said hello.

In some ways, life is more uneventful than it has been for most of the last two+ years that we've been keeping this blog. We are well settled into life as a family of three humans, one dog, and a dozen or so fish. There is no more drama over birth certificates that arrive in the wrong form or bankers who claim it is simply not possible to type a letter. No more racing to the mailbox anxiously hoping to find various forms, letters, or the all-important CIS approval. No waiting and waiting and waiting for the phone to ring, wondering about a child we'd yet to meet in Ethiopia.

And yet in other ways, life is so much more crazy and chaotic than ever, that I can never quite keep up (with life, that is, let alone this blog)!

But anyway... here we are. Trying to keep up (literally and figuratively) with an almost two year old whose favorite game happens to be "chase me." Amazed each day as he discovers new words and concepts. Grateful that he continues to be happy and healthy. Overjoyed. Challenged. Often laughing. Sometimes sentimental. Always in love.

So for now, I will leave it at this. A (sort of) quick hello and a promise to write more soon (at least sooner than another month and a half). And our hopes and wishes that everyone is enjoying the holiday season!!



Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!!!

lately

now

OK. No more apologies or excuses. It's time to catch up. And since I'm not sure where to begin, I'm just gonna jump right in.

When we first started this blog, we were mostly interested in two things: (i) connecting with other adoptive families, and (ii) finding a way to keep friends and family informed about our adoption process without having to retell the same story 100 times - especially during those tougher times, when we didn't really even want to tell it once.

We achieved both of those things and then some. I really never imagined how much a blog could give to us - it enabled us to meet so many amazing families, learn so much from others about how the adoption process works and what to expect, and it gave us an outlet for sharing our frustrations, joys, questions and experiences.

So now that we have been home with Simon for more than a year, have fewer milestones to document, a growing desire to keep certain aspects of our lives private, and frankly a lot less time for blogging... well, I sometimes wonder whether or not to keep this blog going.

Then I reflect on the fact that guzo is the best record I have of our journey to Simon and his first year with us. It's our version of a "baby book" in many ways - a story that we will be able to share with Simon as he gets older. And it is still enabling us to meet and connect with other adoptive families. Not to mention that I expect that some day guzo will follow us on another adoption journey (DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT AN ANNOUNCEMENT. We know we will adopt again, but we have no specific plans to do so at this point - but promise, you will be among the first to know when we do!).

So our guzo continues.

And where are we now?

We are about 20.5 months old, also known as the (almost, practically, mommy is not sure she will survive them) terrible twos. Don't get me wrong - Simon is still an absolute joy 90-something percent of the time. It's just that when he's not... well, he's really, really not. Those tears can come on demand and WOW can he let out a good scream!! The Rolling Stones' You Can't Always Get What You Want is our new theme song.

Cooking is still our number one favorite pastime (and by we, I mean Simon, who takes after his father - and definitely not me, as I am generally lost in the kitchen) - i.e. the chef was not so much a Halloween costume as a glimpse into the future. We have graduated from our "play" foods to only wanting to cook with real food. Meal time is a project now - we must have several cups or bowls and spoons and forks at the table so that we can move our food back and forth from cup to cup and mix it and stir it before eating. Oh what fun (and oh what a mess)!

Simon has also discovered our wedding video and is FASCINATED (obsessed??) by it. He is constantly taking the video out of the drawer and trying to put it in the DVD player... and if you even dare to try to show him Thomas or Elmo instead, he cries and yells (see above). I've come home more than once to see him sitting with his nanny watching mommy and daddy on the TV. Oh, and for the record, we're not really big on letting Simon watch very much TV in the first place, but hey, everyone needs a little bit of time to be a couch potato.

The Black Eyed Peas is (are?) Simon's favorite band. I Gotta Feeling and Boom Boom Pow are especially cool.

There is also a lot of spinning. Yes, Simon has discovered that it is fun(?) to spin around and around and around until you can barely stand up anymore. It should be noted that this ritual is enhanced by singing.

So yeah... we've got a true toddler/little boy on our hands, who is changing and growing and developing by the second and always keeping us on our toes.

Life with Simon continues to be tons of fun, challenging, silly, hectic, draining, amusing, full of laughter, full of love, and basically just the best experience we've ever had.

sneak preview

all you need is love

I realize that we have started most of our last several posts with some form of apology or acknowledgment that "it's been a while" since the prior post. Life has been very (VERY) busy for us these days... business travel, colds, learning that it takes less than 10 minutes for an (temporarily so that Ryan could run up to our apartment and help me carry things downstairs) illegally parked car to be spotted and towed away, our one year home homestudy visit....

There is a lot to catch up on. And I want to take the time to catch guzo up on everything. But I am still trying to find the time to even digest life this past month. It's been that crazy!

So hopefully you will forgive me if I postpone a much overdue post on life in our household and Simon's latest and greatest to share something from someone else - our adoption agency, Gladney - but related to everything that is so important to us.

We had the pleasure of seeing this video (including a lot of familiar faces of children we met in Ethiopia) at a lovely event Gladney held in NYC recently, where we also had the opportunity to see Scott and Ryan Brown and others who we met during our journey to Simon (oh and also this guy, Hugh Jackman, but that's another story!). It explains better than I ever could why we are still so passionate about Ethiopia, Gladney, and doing whatever we can to give back to a country that has given us so much.




For more...

on their own

guzo: for ethiopia

gladney humanitarian aid

a year in the making

On September 14, 2008, we met Simon Alemayehu in person for the first time. I've never really written much about that day, because, really, how do you put such an amazing, surreal, emotional experience into words?

A year later, it is still hard to find the words to describe that moment - other than the obvious "life changing," but even that seems like an understatement. Our meeting was the culmination of a process that was both draining and inspiring, and the beginning of an adventure we could barely imagine.

We are still enjoying this adventure and look forward to all the joys and challenges, the laughter, the tears, the smiles and surprises in store for us. But today we are also looking back over the past year (the past two years really) and marveling at how life has changed.

remember us?

So (and I feel like I say this a lot on here these days) it's been a while since we've posted. No excuses really... we've mostly just been trying to enjoy these last days of summer and the good weather that finally came our way, and that has meant as little less time at the computer. Add a short trip to Napa to celebrate Ry's birthday and some flirting with facebook (though I still don't really think I'm a facebook sort of gal)... and, well, guzo has been neglected a bit.

And I'm not even sure anyone is checking in on us anymore (can't really blame people for giving up on us), but I do want to keep this blog alive, even if it is not quite as up-to-date and detailed as it once was. It is, after all, our "baby book" for Simon: a keepsake of sorts, a record of our journey to meet Simon and our first year (so far) together.

And to that last point, we are coming up on one year of being together. Just an amazing thing really. We have lived a lifetime in the past year and yet it also has gone by so quickly (something I've marveled about before).

But gone is the baby we brought home last September. He is all little boy now. Running around, chattering up a storm (most of which we can't really understand, but he's got a lot to say!), climbing on every piece of furniture, and entertaining us with his dancing, singing, laughing, and silliness. He is curious, determined... a little mischievous (well, maybe a lot mischievous)... sweet, energetic, funny. He LOVES to cook (he didn't get that from me) and will happily ask you to read him the same book over and over again. He's developing an obsession with Thomas the Train. And he can always make you smile.

...and one more thing...

we can't celebrate a milestone without pictures!

time flies... sometimes

Today marks the anniversary of another milestone in our adoption process - one year since we became Simon's parents in the eyes of the Ethiopian courts!

As we have entered into this season of anniversaries (referral, court date, travel...), I find myself amazed at how quickly the past year or so has gone by. Then, as I look back over the year, and re-read some of my posts from this time last year, I am just as amazed by how time can be so fickle: specifically, how one year can feel like a whirlwind today, but one day felt like an eternity only one year ago (am I making sense?).

I thought we had waited forever for a referral... and then that forever felt like a brief minute while we were waiting anxiously for our court date. And then, when we found out that we were not successful on our first court date... well, I thought time just stopped moving altogether.

But then at around 4pm on August 6, 2008, while I was on a coffee break with an old friend, trying to distract myself from staring at the phone, I got a call that changed my life. Simon Alemayehu was officially part of our family.

We still would not travel and meet him for several weeks, but that call marked the end of so many struggles, questions, worry, and wonder.... A whole new chapter had begun.

And here we are a year later. New struggles, questions, worries and wonders... but also so many new joys, laughs, emotions, amazements (is that a word?).... Life as a family of 4 (yes, EJ is a full fledged member of our family) is simply wonderful.

the journey

Ryan discovered this movie this morning - and, given the fabulous title and subject matter, how could we not mention it?? Now I'm just trying to find out if/when it will be playing in NY.

ps - happy birthday j

guzo

One year ago we saw this face for the first time (more on that here). It marked the end of an emotional, challenging, exciting, and crazy process and the beginning of a new chapter in our lives. And so far it has been an amazing journey.

adoption is... (illustrated version)

adoption is...

So I've been tossing around thoughts about this post for the last few weeks (maybe more). With all the stories and opinions about adoption, especially international adoption, that have been in the news recently (see here for a summary of some recent articles, as well as some great commentary), I've had a lot of adoption-related thoughts on my mind lately (well, always... but more so lately) and have been meaning to post about some of them for a while.

I've drafted and redrafted this post, but I fear that my thoughts are at times jumbled, controversial, personal, rambling, emotional, subjective, not easily put into words... and the more I re-read what I wrote, the more I feared that my words would be misconstrued.

So I've done a bit of editing (mostly deleting) and decided to just say this:

It goes without saying that I am biased when it comes to adoption. I think it is a wonderful, wonderful way to build a family, and I have personally benefited greatly from adoption. That doesn't mean that I don't also recognize the potential downsides, the risks... the sad and difficult and undeserved realities without which adoption would not even be possible. I've never for a minute taken adoption - either the subject of adoption or the actual process and impact to families - lightly.

I am fully cognizant of the fact that adoption comes at a cost for the children involved and for their birth families. I understand that no matter how hard adoptive parents try to keep them alive, children in international and transracial adoptions, in particular, often lose certain ties to their ethnic backgrounds, culture, language, homeland, etc. And I know that there are certain questions that I will never be able to answer for my child.

I also know that corruption exists in adoption (though I firmly believe that there are many very ethical and diligent adoption programs worldwide who do everything they can to ensure that the process is handled lawfully and ethically from start to finish). That lack of resources and education and assistance can mean that loving parents and families will feel that they have no better option than to relinquish their children for adoption. I find it heartbreaking to think about the fact that many children are orphaned as a result of illnesses that could be treated easily by the health care and medical treatments that are readily available in the US.

These are painful and difficult topics to think about, but as an adoptive parent, I must. I would be doing a disservice to my son if I did not take the time to consider adoption as part of this bigger picture, to try to understand how others might see things, to be prepared for the questions that Simon might have... From the smaller things (e.g. Simon does not look like his parents...) to the bigger issues (e.g. the fact that AIDS continues to spread and devastate many countries in Africa), international adoption will always be part of a story that is complex and sometimes controversial.

But the fact that adoption is a part of this picture does not mean that adoption is a cause of these very complicated issues. Likewise, I know that adoption does not solve any of these problems. So I do get angry when I read articles or hear interviews with "experts" who question the motives of adoptive parents, suggest that adoption is a part of the problem, and/or that adoptive parents have no respect or regard for the countries or cultures our children were born into. It's simply not true. (And by the way, can anyone be an "expert" in adoption if he/she has not adopted or been adopted?)

When Ryan and I decided to adopt, we never once viewed the adoption as a humanitarian effort. We are very interested in contributing to such efforts, but that was not what drove our adoption. Our motivation was much more straightforward, some might even say selfish: we wanted to expand our family and we believed that we would be able to provide a loving and stable home to a child who did not already have those. That is what adoption is about. And it will be my greatest joy and my greatest challenge to spend the next many years trying to give Simon the love, opportunities, security and experiences that he deserves.

Most of the adoptive parents I have met have developed (if they did not already have these traits) an interest in the world, compassion for those who have less than they have, a desire to help others and to make a difference in the lives of people... and most of us do hope and believe that we are helping children when we offer them our love, our homes, our families. Is that wrong?

Still, if and when we find ourselves thinking about ways to make the world a better place, we take action: donating time, money, resources, spreading the word about worthwhile causes and organizations.

But we adopt for many other reasons - mostly for love. We take our time, we do our research, we care about the legitimacy and legality of the process. Adoption is a long, challenging, emotionally demanding process. It is not possible to complete an adoption if you do not devote your entire being to it. Of course, those who have experienced adoption know that there is an enormous payout, as adoption reaches beyond geographical borders, skin color, ethnicity... and centers on love and family, commitment and acceptance. To me, that is what adoption is about.

coming soon...

Promising a longer post soon (I know we are overdue on some substance here)... I have a lot of thoughts about adoption lately and working on what I want to say, how I want to say it....

In the meantime, a few recent pics to tide you over.

Happy Mom's Day!

urban beach day

milestone

Just a quick post to let you know that Simon is walking! We'd had a few steps here and there over the last month or so, but as of Thursday, he is really on the move. Let the fun begin!!

spring is in the air

Life continues to be busy for us (mostly in good ways!)... and it feels like time is flying by!!

Haven't shared a photo album in a while, so figured I'd put together a few pics to catch you up on Simon's last couple of months (birthdays... moving... march madness... helping daddy cook... afternoons in the park... a tough life!).

stuff

As it's been so long since I've really updated this blog, I hardly know where to start... it's been a busy few weeks!!

Let's see... since the last real update (let's just put my "go orange" post and the sad, sad fate of the orangemen aside for now), we've been pretty crazed. We moved... gained a few teeth (simon)... met lots of gladney families (including some whose journeys/blogs we had been following for more than a year)... discovered a severe allergy to cardboard (meredith... pretty unfortunate when you have more than 80 boxes to unpack after your move... thank goodness for prednisone!)... completed our US re-adoption of Simon - yay!... met scott brown and reunited with belay... barked at-I mean made friends with-all the dogs in our new building (ej)... and completed our six month post placement home study.

So mostly a lot of good, with a few bumps in the road.

The move was a bit more eventful than we had hoped, but we're settling in now. Between keys not working, EJ being spooked by the strange apartment and every new sound, and the discovery of my cardboard allergy (think terrible hives; swollen and stiff hands; and enormously swollen, dry lips, all of which lasted for days - seriously - this was not pretty... a real test of self-esteem), getting unpacked and organized in the new apartment was a bit of a challenge. But we've managed to pull most things together by now and are looking forward to entertaining friends and family here very soon. Perhaps I'll even get some photos of the new place up on the blog one of these days....

Simon has been a trooper through it all. He had his first overnight (with EJ) at my parents' house the night before the move. I think he did okay. My parents... maybe not quite as okay ;)

Simon's really growing and developing. Starting to take steps without assistance, although he much prefers holding our hands (or walking around with the coffee table... no joke, the kid likes to push our coffee table around the apartment... it's his version of a walker, I guess). He is also finally getting some more teeth. He got the first two back in November, and then... nothing. We've had another two break through in the last week or so and it seems like a couple more will break through any day. He babbles tons and says a few words, although I'm not sure he actually associates any meanings with those words. We can't wait for that day though! So looking forward to hearing what's on his mind!!

We also had the opportunity meet a number of Gladney families recently. First, we finally connected with a local family whose blog was one of the first I ever read. We'd been in touch since we started the adoption process, but never actually managed to meet, so it was so great to finally meet them in person. Gladney also held in event in NYC a couple of weeks ago, so we got to see Belay again and finally meet Scott Brown. Amazing how connected we can feel with people we've barely spent any time with! Also got to meet a number of families in Gladney's Ethiopian program - some who were already home with their kids and some just beginning the process. We love connecting with all these families and hope to keep in touch for the years to come. (And for the heck of it, I'm inserting a shameless plug for our Gladney fundraising efforts... in speaking with the Gladney folks, we learned that this economy has, not surprisingly, affected the amount of donations they receive. They are doing such amazing work in Ethiopia and continue to be so very grateful for every dollar families can give (we are too). Please consider supporting their efforts.)

I think that pretty much sums up our last couple of weeks... And now we are looking forward to finishing setting up the new apartment, the arrival of Spring and warmer weather, and getting Simon a US passport so he can join us on future travel adventures.

go orange!!

we are ready for a big night!

on the move

Sorry for the lack of posts lately... things are a little crazy here! But once we're settled in to our new place, I promise to update guzo with all our latest adventures.

words

I realize that I've been sort of a lazy blogger lately... good about getting photos and videos up, but a little short on words.

So here are a few updates for my (five or six) loyal readers and anyone who may have stumbled upon our blog:

• We move to our new apartment in 11 days. Boxes are starting to surround me, but I still haven't fully digested this fact. I have digested the fact that packing an apartment is a lot harder with a one year old running around.
• Packing has its benefits. I found my long lost black dress!!
  
• The weathermen are predicting up to a foot of snow in NYC overnight tonight. I don't have a lot of faith in the weathermen, but I am still feeling a bit regretful that I haven't managed to replace my old winter boots yet.
• Simon is getting so close to walking on his own. Really cool or really scary???
• Wearable or not, these sneakers are definitely coming with me to the new apartment.
  
• We have our six month post placement homestudy visit this week.
  
• I am craving a beach vacation right now.
  
• I spend too much of the little spare time I have researching family-friendly boutique beach hotels.
• In less than 5 months, Simon has grown about 4 inches and gained 5 pounds.
• Our baby fish had babies. We are fish great-grandparents (or is it great-grand-fish-parents?)!
  
• Despite the chaos, life with Simon, EJ and several dozen fish is fun!
  

nothing comes between a boy and his cake

okay... so it's a little late... and a lot too long... but it's really, really cute (in my totally biased opinion)!

happy birthday e.j.

the king is four!!!

ode to sneakers

The other day, I put on my favorite pair of sneakers and a terrible thing happened. I took about three steps forward and got a big gash on the back of my ankle. The back of the sneaker had completely wore down so that the sharp plastic interior is now part of the exterior, making the sneaker completely unwearable.

I know, I know... you're thinking that's not really so terrible. It's a sneaker.

Except that the sneaker was one of my "round the world" sneakers: my favorite pair of old new balance trail runners that I've had since around the year 2000... the pair of sneakers that has seen me through numerous cities and dozens of countries on 5 continents... the pair of sneakers I wore when I hiked the last stretch of the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu, went biking in Central Oregon, toured Angkor Wat in Cambodia, rappelled in Utah... honeymooned in Kenya and traveled to Ethiopia to meet Simon (to name just a few of the adventures these sneakers have shared with me).

Some people get sentimental over photos or old stuffed animals or love letters. I am sentimental about these sneakers.

So tonight I reminisce about all the miles walked in my beloved sneakers, the friends I've met along the way, and the many memories I made. Ryan says I should frame my sneakers in one of those lucite collectible boxes people use for sports memorabilia and put them on a shelf in our new apartment.

I might just do it.

life with simon: the video edition

coming soon to guzo: birthday video and some written words

let them eat cake

ahnd!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

one

As I've mentioned before, we've been trying to help raise money for Gladney's humanitarian aid projects in Ethiopia - and if you know anything about Gladney, you know they really do some terrific work (yes, I know... I sound like a broken record). Specifically, we are trying to raise the funds needed to cover the cost of running the foster home where Simon lived before we met him (one of 10 homes Gladney currently operates in Ethiopia).

Well, it seems my fundraising skills could use some improvement. We are so grateful for all the donations, assistance and kind words we have received, but we still have a long way to go to reach our goal of $30,000 - the cost of running the center (including caregivers' wages, food, shelter and medical supplies for about 25 children) for one year.

Simon turns one year old later this week, and as I have been reflecting on the past year and our time with him, I am overwhelmed with emotion. Our lives have changed in ways we cannot describe. And it always comes back to Gladney, to Ethiopia, to our memories of seeing the first pictures of Simon, to meeting the wonderful women in Addis Ababa who take such amazing care of Gladney's children and ensure that they receive love and care while they wait for their forever families. We are so honored to have met these amazing women who cared for Simon, many of whom were orphans themselves, and we want to make sure they are recognized, appreciated, and cared for too.

So in honor of Simon's first birthday, I am giving this fundraising thing one more push.

Friday marks a year in the life of Simon. 366 days (remember, last year was a leap year!). So I am setting a new goal: to raise 366 donations by the end of February.

Think about it, if we could get 366 people to give even one dollar a piece, we'd have contributed more than 3 months' wages for one of the caregivers... enough safe drinking water for 3 of the children in the care center for an entire year... If 366 people gave 5 dollars a piece (a total of about $1800), we'd have raised enough to pay for all of the food and medical supplies for all of the children in the home for about 2 months or enough to cover 18 months wages of one of the caregivers. And if people gave a little more... well, the possibilities are endless!

So join me friends, family, fellow Gladney families, fellow adoptive families, and anyone who happened to stumble upon this blog: make a donation - even one dollar (just click here and indicate "Simon's foster home" in the "in honor of" section of the online donation form... help us spread the word... or read more about Gladney's humanitarian aid efforts.

I think it's safe to assume that everyone reading this blog has been touched by adoption. Well, this money goes straight to those who are helping people like us build our families. Let's make sure that they get the help they need too.

Thank you for indulging me again... and I promise some lighter reading and new video and pictures of Simon are coming very soon ;)

case closed

We are homeowners!! After years (literally) of searching for the perfect apartment, we finally found the right fit... and today we closed on our soon-to-be new home.

Here's a sneak peak (it's still under minor construction, so ignore the dust and random tools and shopping cart in the middle of the living room...).

just because

life with simon...

life with simon means...

...tons and tons and tons of love...

...spending most of your evening hunched over, holding simon's hands as he learns to walk (run??)...

...chasing a little boy who is chasing a little dog...

...having an 11 month old continuously trying to bite your nose (apparently, biting mommy's nose is the funniest thing ever!!)...

...laughing more than you've ever imagined...

...always hearing nursery rhymes and jingles in your head (the wheels on the bus go round and round... a, b, c, d, e, f, g...)...

...manicures don't last as long as they used to...

...forfeiting half the food on your plate to a little boy with a big smile...

...toys, toys everywhere!...

...chaos...

...joy, joy, JOY!

resolved: to play a game of tag

I mentioned recently that Jennifer had tagged me (again) and I promised (resolved) that this time I would really respond (ya know, as opposed to the last time I was tagged and promised to respond but never actually did)... so here goes.

Jennifer blogged about her new year's resolutions and wanted to know what others had resolved for 2009. I didn't make any formal resolutions, because I am not good at keeping new year's resolutions (hey, at least I admit it). But there are definitely a few areas I'd like to focus on in 2009 - so here are my non-resolution resolutions:

1) To figure out how to fit 4-5 workouts back into my schedule each week.
Back in the day, this was no problem. But as I have entered motherhood... and now working motherhood, I have to say, I am struggling with how and when to schedule gym time. I have always been an evening workouter, but now that I'm away from Simon for so many hours each day, I can't really imagine leaving him again for an hour or so to go to the gym when I get home from work. I didn't get to the gym once during my first week back on the job. So last week I thought I would try morning workouts - even though I am NOT a morning person - because Simon usually sleeps until 8:30-9am. But then as soon as I set my alarm to go off an hour earlier than usual, Simon decided he was going to become a morning person, waking up between 6:30 and 7am every day of my second week back on the job. I don't know if I can wake up at 5am to workout. This is going to be a tough one!

2) To limit the number of bad tv shows I watch (Ryan will be thrilled!!).
This is probably one of my worst habits. What can I say? I just find that after a long, often stressful day at work, I need mindless, silly, doesn't-really-matter-if-you-pay-attention television. It helps me unwind. The second problem is that I like the background noise of the tv. I hate silence (it actually makes me nervous) and music just doesn't usually relax me the way the buzz of a television does. I can't explain it, but I am somehow soothed by the "white" noise of a tv. Other than Ryan rolling his eyes at me every time I turn on some pathetically bad reality tv show, I never really worried about my bad tv habit. Then came Simon. I don't want Simon growing up addicted to the tv, and I definitely don't want him watching some of the trash I watch. So I need to figure out a way to ween myself from the big black box that has been a permanent fixture in my life for many, many years.

3) To learn to cook something (well).
If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know that Ryan is the resident cook. He enjoys cooking and does it well, so this has worked out just fine for us. But I feel like I should probably be able to do something in the kitchen other than make coffee, heat things up in the microwave and generally get in Ryan's way while he is making something fabulous.

4) To make a difference.
I know this sounds cliche, but more than ever before, I really find myself wanting to find ways to help others, and in an active, meaningful way. I have blogged about our efforts to raise money for Gladney's foster care centers in Ethiopia, something we believe in deeply and that obviously is very close to our hearts. (Thank you to everyone who has donated and/or helped us spread the word - as always, we are grateful for this wonderful blogging community. I will keep you posted about our efforts and results) This is definitely going to be an ongoing effort, and not a one time gig, so I hope you won't mind if I continue to post about it. We also had the pleasure of meeting with some of the folks from Gladney while they were in NYC this past week. Gladney is involved in so many great humanitarian aid projects in Ethiopia and elsewhere, and I hope that Ryan and I can continue to work with them in different ways going forward.

5) To raise a happy, healthy, well-adjusted kid.
Okay, so this one isn't a 2009-specific resolution, but it's certainly something I aspire to and something I think about all the time. Probably be my number one goal for a long time to come.

And there you have it... the things I want to accomplish and work towards this year. Anyone else want to play a game of resolution tag?

words not necessary

a new start

I made it.

To my surprise, my first week back at work was much easier than I imagined. Simon did great, and I was able to enjoy getting back into a work routine and catching up with friends and colleagues, without too much guilt and anxiety.

I suspect that being a working mom and getting used to less time with Simon will all hit me a little bit harder in the coming weeks, as the novelty of going back to work wears off and the daily grind starts to take more of a toll on me... but I am glad to have taken the first step - leaving Simon as I walked out the door and headed for my office for the first time was something I had been anticipating and fearing for a while.

Thank you to everyone who commented/emailed with good wishes and support. It's funny how sometimes even though you know that you are making the right and best decision for yourself and your family, you still crave the support of others. It means a lot to know I am not alone in this effort to embrace my new role as "working mother" and search for balance in my life.

To that end... I know that I have been tagged by Jennifer who wants to hear what I and others have resolved to accomplish in 2009. I've been thnking about that for a while and I will definitely post my thoughts soon - yeah, I know, I've promised to complete tags before and never did... but this time I really, really mean it. I resolve to do it ;) After all, one of my resolutions is to get back to being a better blogger.

on the verge

As I sit down to write this, I can hardly believe that in less than 16 hours, my maternity leave will end and I will be back to work for the first time since September 9, 2008.

In some ways, it seems like September 14, 2008 - the day we first met Simon in Ethiopia - was a hundred years ago. And yet, the past four months that I have been on leave from my job also feel like they have absolutely flown by. I don't know how to explain it.

It was only about five months ago that I sat in my office in shock from the emotional-roller-coaster-madness that surrounded a mid-July referral we waited far longer than expected for... our agency's magical ability to get us a court date on August 5, a few days before the courts closed for the rainy season... news that the courts were actually closing on August 6, earlier than expected... an unsuccessful first court date... followed by a painfully sleepless night... and, finally, a call we will never forget: our case was approved on August 6, 2008. Simon Alemayehu was officially part of our family. We were going to Ethiopia.

As this crazy beautiful reality settled in, I remember feeling something I had not anticipated: fear. And I don't mean a fear of parenting and all the changes Ryan and I would experience as we transitioned from free-spirited, spontaneous couple to parents of a little boy whose first priority was his well-being (I fully anticipated that fear!). No, the fear I felt was fear of not working. A feeling that my whole world and everything I knew was being turned upside down. I was actually nervous that I would not be able to handle not going to work every day.

I know it sounds crazy. Like everyone, I have certainly had my share of days at work where I wished I was anywhere but there. Dreams of winning the lottery and traveling the world. Fantasies of leaving my current career behind to pursue something totally different.... And hey, those things could happen. But whatever may come, when it comes down to it, more than not, I really do like working. I feel good about what I have accomplished professionally and I enjoy the challenges my job brings. It is a part of me.

So yeah... on top of all my fears about being a good parent and whether or not I had the ability to do all the things a mother needs to do, I also feared whether or not I had the ability to not do what I'd been doing for so long. Would I lose myself??

Now, as I am on the verge of returning to my job, I know the answer: Yes, I have the ability to put my job and career aside for my family without losing myself. In fact, it is the best thing I could have done. I have gained so, so much, and I am so grateful that I have had this opportunity to spend so much time with my son.

I have absolutely relished the time I have had at home with Simon. I love this child in a way I could never have imagined. I would not have traded this time away from work for anything.

But I also know that for me and for my family, my going back to work is the best decision.

I know this can be a controversial topic. So I hope you will believe me when I say that I am speaking solely for myself here and that I am not trying to imply that my opinion/choice is better than any other. I don't think working mothers are better than stay at home mothers or vice versa. I don't think there is a "better." Everyone makes trade offs. Everyone is different. It is a very personal decision and I only know what makes the most sense for me, for Ryan, for Simon.

Mrs. B wrote a post about her experiences going back to work recently - how it affected her and how it affected her little boy, and it really resonated with me. I know there are tons of working moms out there, but it seems as if a lot of these issues are not discussed openly very often.

Sometimes I think working mothers are afraid to admit that they actually want to work and have careers for fear that they will be judged, be viewed as not loving or caring about their children as much as others. I hope that others will not view me this way. But even if they do, I know it is not true. I can only explain my feelings as this: I am a better, happier, more fulfilled me when I am working. And a better, happier, more fulfilled me is a better mother to Simon, a better wife to Ryan.

So yes, back to work I will go.

But did I say I was ready?? Well, that's another story. I am only now getting into a groove here staying at home with Simon! And I haven't exactly missed those days of being glued to a blackberry....

If I thought my world was turned upside down when I started my maternity leave, then thinking about going back to work feels like flipping it all on its side.

For all the excitement and my readiness to reclaim a career I care about and to catch up with colleagues and friends, there are new fears about leaving my little boy with someone else, sadness that I will not have as many hours each day with him, strangeness and anxiety about re-entering a world that has changed so much in just a few months (I work on Wall Street - need I say more?)....

So I have been trying to tell myself that after surviving the unpredictable world of adoption and now parenthood, with all of their crazy ups and downs, I am capable of anything.

I hope so. (But please wish me luck anyway!)