life with simon means...
...tons and tons and tons of love...
...spending most of your evening hunched over, holding simon's hands as he learns to walk (run??)...
...chasing a little boy who is chasing a little dog...
...having an 11 month old continuously trying to bite your nose (apparently, biting mommy's nose is the funniest thing ever!!)...
...laughing more than you've ever imagined...
...always hearing nursery rhymes and jingles in your head (the wheels on the bus go round and round... a, b, c, d, e, f, g...)...
...manicures don't last as long as they used to...
...forfeiting half the food on your plate to a little boy with a big smile...
...toys, toys everywhere!...
...chaos...
...joy, joy, JOY!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
resolved: to play a game of tag
I mentioned recently that Jennifer had tagged me (again) and I promised (resolved) that this time I would really respond (ya know, as opposed to the last time I was tagged and promised to respond but never actually did)... so here goes.
Jennifer blogged about her new year's resolutions and wanted to know what others had resolved for 2009. I didn't make any formal resolutions, because I am not good at keeping new year's resolutions (hey, at least I admit it). But there are definitely a few areas I'd like to focus on in 2009 - so here are my non-resolution resolutions:
1) To figure out how to fit 4-5 workouts back into my schedule each week.
Back in the day, this was no problem. But as I have entered motherhood... and now working motherhood, I have to say, I am struggling with how and when to schedule gym time. I have always been an evening workouter, but now that I'm away from Simon for so many hours each day, I can't really imagine leaving him again for an hour or so to go to the gym when I get home from work. I didn't get to the gym once during my first week back on the job. So last week I thought I would try morning workouts - even though I am NOT a morning person - because Simon usually sleeps until 8:30-9am. But then as soon as I set my alarm to go off an hour earlier than usual, Simon decided he was going to become a morning person, waking up between 6:30 and 7am every day of my second week back on the job. I don't know if I can wake up at 5am to workout. This is going to be a tough one!
2) To limit the number of bad tv shows I watch (Ryan will be thrilled!!).
This is probably one of my worst habits. What can I say? I just find that after a long, often stressful day at work, I need mindless, silly, doesn't-really-matter-if-you-pay-attention television. It helps me unwind. The second problem is that I like the background noise of the tv. I hate silence (it actually makes me nervous) and music just doesn't usually relax me the way the buzz of a television does. I can't explain it, but I am somehow soothed by the "white" noise of a tv. Other than Ryan rolling his eyes at me every time I turn on some pathetically bad reality tv show, I never really worried about my bad tv habit. Then came Simon. I don't want Simon growing up addicted to the tv, and I definitely don't want him watching some of the trash I watch. So I need to figure out a way to ween myself from the big black box that has been a permanent fixture in my life for many, many years.
3) To learn to cook something (well).
If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know that Ryan is the resident cook. He enjoys cooking and does it well, so this has worked out just fine for us. But I feel like I should probably be able to do something in the kitchen other than make coffee, heat things up in the microwave and generally get in Ryan's way while he is making something fabulous.
4) To make a difference.
I know this sounds cliche, but more than ever before, I really find myself wanting to find ways to help others, and in an active, meaningful way. I have blogged about our efforts to raise money for Gladney's foster care centers in Ethiopia, something we believe in deeply and that obviously is very close to our hearts. (Thank you to everyone who has donated and/or helped us spread the word - as always, we are grateful for this wonderful blogging community. I will keep you posted about our efforts and results) This is definitely going to be an ongoing effort, and not a one time gig, so I hope you won't mind if I continue to post about it. We also had the pleasure of meeting with some of the folks from Gladney while they were in NYC this past week. Gladney is involved in so many great humanitarian aid projects in Ethiopia and elsewhere, and I hope that Ryan and I can continue to work with them in different ways going forward.
5) To raise a happy, healthy, well-adjusted kid.
Okay, so this one isn't a 2009-specific resolution, but it's certainly something I aspire to and something I think about all the time. Probably be my number one goal for a long time to come.
And there you have it... the things I want to accomplish and work towards this year. Anyone else want to play a game of resolution tag?
Jennifer blogged about her new year's resolutions and wanted to know what others had resolved for 2009. I didn't make any formal resolutions, because I am not good at keeping new year's resolutions (hey, at least I admit it). But there are definitely a few areas I'd like to focus on in 2009 - so here are my non-resolution resolutions:
1) To figure out how to fit 4-5 workouts back into my schedule each week.
Back in the day, this was no problem. But as I have entered motherhood... and now working motherhood, I have to say, I am struggling with how and when to schedule gym time. I have always been an evening workouter, but now that I'm away from Simon for so many hours each day, I can't really imagine leaving him again for an hour or so to go to the gym when I get home from work. I didn't get to the gym once during my first week back on the job. So last week I thought I would try morning workouts - even though I am NOT a morning person - because Simon usually sleeps until 8:30-9am. But then as soon as I set my alarm to go off an hour earlier than usual, Simon decided he was going to become a morning person, waking up between 6:30 and 7am every day of my second week back on the job. I don't know if I can wake up at 5am to workout. This is going to be a tough one!
2) To limit the number of bad tv shows I watch (Ryan will be thrilled!!).
This is probably one of my worst habits. What can I say? I just find that after a long, often stressful day at work, I need mindless, silly, doesn't-really-matter-if-you-pay-attention television. It helps me unwind. The second problem is that I like the background noise of the tv. I hate silence (it actually makes me nervous) and music just doesn't usually relax me the way the buzz of a television does. I can't explain it, but I am somehow soothed by the "white" noise of a tv. Other than Ryan rolling his eyes at me every time I turn on some pathetically bad reality tv show, I never really worried about my bad tv habit. Then came Simon. I don't want Simon growing up addicted to the tv, and I definitely don't want him watching some of the trash I watch. So I need to figure out a way to ween myself from the big black box that has been a permanent fixture in my life for many, many years.
3) To learn to cook something (well).
If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know that Ryan is the resident cook. He enjoys cooking and does it well, so this has worked out just fine for us. But I feel like I should probably be able to do something in the kitchen other than make coffee, heat things up in the microwave and generally get in Ryan's way while he is making something fabulous.
4) To make a difference.
I know this sounds cliche, but more than ever before, I really find myself wanting to find ways to help others, and in an active, meaningful way. I have blogged about our efforts to raise money for Gladney's foster care centers in Ethiopia, something we believe in deeply and that obviously is very close to our hearts. (Thank you to everyone who has donated and/or helped us spread the word - as always, we are grateful for this wonderful blogging community. I will keep you posted about our efforts and results) This is definitely going to be an ongoing effort, and not a one time gig, so I hope you won't mind if I continue to post about it. We also had the pleasure of meeting with some of the folks from Gladney while they were in NYC this past week. Gladney is involved in so many great humanitarian aid projects in Ethiopia and elsewhere, and I hope that Ryan and I can continue to work with them in different ways going forward.
5) To raise a happy, healthy, well-adjusted kid.
Okay, so this one isn't a 2009-specific resolution, but it's certainly something I aspire to and something I think about all the time. Probably be my number one goal for a long time to come.
And there you have it... the things I want to accomplish and work towards this year. Anyone else want to play a game of resolution tag?
Friday, January 16, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
a new start
I made it.
To my surprise, my first week back at work was much easier than I imagined. Simon did great, and I was able to enjoy getting back into a work routine and catching up with friends and colleagues, without too much guilt and anxiety.
I suspect that being a working mom and getting used to less time with Simon will all hit me a little bit harder in the coming weeks, as the novelty of going back to work wears off and the daily grind starts to take more of a toll on me... but I am glad to have taken the first step - leaving Simon as I walked out the door and headed for my office for the first time was something I had been anticipating and fearing for a while.
Thank you to everyone who commented/emailed with good wishes and support. It's funny how sometimes even though you know that you are making the right and best decision for yourself and your family, you still crave the support of others. It means a lot to know I am not alone in this effort to embrace my new role as "working mother" and search for balance in my life.
To that end... I know that I have been tagged by Jennifer who wants to hear what I and others have resolved to accomplish in 2009. I've been thnking about that for a while and I will definitely post my thoughts soon - yeah, I know, I've promised to complete tags before and never did... but this time I really, really mean it. I resolve to do it ;) After all, one of my resolutions is to get back to being a better blogger.
To my surprise, my first week back at work was much easier than I imagined. Simon did great, and I was able to enjoy getting back into a work routine and catching up with friends and colleagues, without too much guilt and anxiety.
I suspect that being a working mom and getting used to less time with Simon will all hit me a little bit harder in the coming weeks, as the novelty of going back to work wears off and the daily grind starts to take more of a toll on me... but I am glad to have taken the first step - leaving Simon as I walked out the door and headed for my office for the first time was something I had been anticipating and fearing for a while.
Thank you to everyone who commented/emailed with good wishes and support. It's funny how sometimes even though you know that you are making the right and best decision for yourself and your family, you still crave the support of others. It means a lot to know I am not alone in this effort to embrace my new role as "working mother" and search for balance in my life.
To that end... I know that I have been tagged by Jennifer who wants to hear what I and others have resolved to accomplish in 2009. I've been thnking about that for a while and I will definitely post my thoughts soon - yeah, I know, I've promised to complete tags before and never did... but this time I really, really mean it. I resolve to do it ;) After all, one of my resolutions is to get back to being a better blogger.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
on the verge
As I sit down to write this, I can hardly believe that in less than 16 hours, my maternity leave will end and I will be back to work for the first time since September 9, 2008.
In some ways, it seems like September 14, 2008 - the day we first met Simon in Ethiopia - was a hundred years ago. And yet, the past four months that I have been on leave from my job also feel like they have absolutely flown by. I don't know how to explain it.
It was only about five months ago that I sat in my office in shock from the emotional-roller-coaster-madness that surrounded a mid-July referral we waited far longer than expected for... our agency's magical ability to get us a court date on August 5, a few days before the courts closed for the rainy season... news that the courts were actually closing on August 6, earlier than expected... an unsuccessful first court date... followed by a painfully sleepless night... and, finally, a call we will never forget: our case was approved on August 6, 2008. Simon Alemayehu was officially part of our family. We were going to Ethiopia.
As this crazy beautiful reality settled in, I remember feeling something I had not anticipated: fear. And I don't mean a fear of parenting and all the changes Ryan and I would experience as we transitioned from free-spirited, spontaneous couple to parents of a little boy whose first priority was his well-being (I fully anticipated that fear!). No, the fear I felt was fear of not working. A feeling that my whole world and everything I knew was being turned upside down. I was actually nervous that I would not be able to handle not going to work every day.
I know it sounds crazy. Like everyone, I have certainly had my share of days at work where I wished I was anywhere but there. Dreams of winning the lottery and traveling the world. Fantasies of leaving my current career behind to pursue something totally different.... And hey, those things could happen. But whatever may come, when it comes down to it, more than not, I really do like working. I feel good about what I have accomplished professionally and I enjoy the challenges my job brings. It is a part of me.
So yeah... on top of all my fears about being a good parent and whether or not I had the ability to do all the things a mother needs to do, I also feared whether or not I had the ability to not do what I'd been doing for so long. Would I lose myself??
Now, as I am on the verge of returning to my job, I know the answer: Yes, I have the ability to put my job and career aside for my family without losing myself. In fact, it is the best thing I could have done. I have gained so, so much, and I am so grateful that I have had this opportunity to spend so much time with my son.
I have absolutely relished the time I have had at home with Simon. I love this child in a way I could never have imagined. I would not have traded this time away from work for anything.
But I also know that for me and for my family, my going back to work is the best decision.
I know this can be a controversial topic. So I hope you will believe me when I say that I am speaking solely for myself here and that I am not trying to imply that my opinion/choice is better than any other. I don't think working mothers are better than stay at home mothers or vice versa. I don't think there is a "better." Everyone makes trade offs. Everyone is different. It is a very personal decision and I only know what makes the most sense for me, for Ryan, for Simon.
Mrs. B wrote a post about her experiences going back to work recently - how it affected her and how it affected her little boy, and it really resonated with me. I know there are tons of working moms out there, but it seems as if a lot of these issues are not discussed openly very often.
Sometimes I think working mothers are afraid to admit that they actually want to work and have careers for fear that they will be judged, be viewed as not loving or caring about their children as much as others. I hope that others will not view me this way. But even if they do, I know it is not true. I can only explain my feelings as this: I am a better, happier, more fulfilled me when I am working. And a better, happier, more fulfilled me is a better mother to Simon, a better wife to Ryan.
So yes, back to work I will go.
But did I say I was ready?? Well, that's another story. I am only now getting into a groove here staying at home with Simon! And I haven't exactly missed those days of being glued to a blackberry....
If I thought my world was turned upside down when I started my maternity leave, then thinking about going back to work feels like flipping it all on its side.
For all the excitement and my readiness to reclaim a career I care about and to catch up with colleagues and friends, there are new fears about leaving my little boy with someone else, sadness that I will not have as many hours each day with him, strangeness and anxiety about re-entering a world that has changed so much in just a few months (I work on Wall Street - need I say more?)....
So I have been trying to tell myself that after surviving the unpredictable world of adoption and now parenthood, with all of their crazy ups and downs, I am capable of anything.
I hope so. (But please wish me luck anyway!)
In some ways, it seems like September 14, 2008 - the day we first met Simon in Ethiopia - was a hundred years ago. And yet, the past four months that I have been on leave from my job also feel like they have absolutely flown by. I don't know how to explain it.
It was only about five months ago that I sat in my office in shock from the emotional-roller-coaster-madness that surrounded a mid-July referral we waited far longer than expected for... our agency's magical ability to get us a court date on August 5, a few days before the courts closed for the rainy season... news that the courts were actually closing on August 6, earlier than expected... an unsuccessful first court date... followed by a painfully sleepless night... and, finally, a call we will never forget: our case was approved on August 6, 2008. Simon Alemayehu was officially part of our family. We were going to Ethiopia.
As this crazy beautiful reality settled in, I remember feeling something I had not anticipated: fear. And I don't mean a fear of parenting and all the changes Ryan and I would experience as we transitioned from free-spirited, spontaneous couple to parents of a little boy whose first priority was his well-being (I fully anticipated that fear!). No, the fear I felt was fear of not working. A feeling that my whole world and everything I knew was being turned upside down. I was actually nervous that I would not be able to handle not going to work every day.
I know it sounds crazy. Like everyone, I have certainly had my share of days at work where I wished I was anywhere but there. Dreams of winning the lottery and traveling the world. Fantasies of leaving my current career behind to pursue something totally different.... And hey, those things could happen. But whatever may come, when it comes down to it, more than not, I really do like working. I feel good about what I have accomplished professionally and I enjoy the challenges my job brings. It is a part of me.
So yeah... on top of all my fears about being a good parent and whether or not I had the ability to do all the things a mother needs to do, I also feared whether or not I had the ability to not do what I'd been doing for so long. Would I lose myself??
Now, as I am on the verge of returning to my job, I know the answer: Yes, I have the ability to put my job and career aside for my family without losing myself. In fact, it is the best thing I could have done. I have gained so, so much, and I am so grateful that I have had this opportunity to spend so much time with my son.
I have absolutely relished the time I have had at home with Simon. I love this child in a way I could never have imagined. I would not have traded this time away from work for anything.
But I also know that for me and for my family, my going back to work is the best decision.
I know this can be a controversial topic. So I hope you will believe me when I say that I am speaking solely for myself here and that I am not trying to imply that my opinion/choice is better than any other. I don't think working mothers are better than stay at home mothers or vice versa. I don't think there is a "better." Everyone makes trade offs. Everyone is different. It is a very personal decision and I only know what makes the most sense for me, for Ryan, for Simon.
Mrs. B wrote a post about her experiences going back to work recently - how it affected her and how it affected her little boy, and it really resonated with me. I know there are tons of working moms out there, but it seems as if a lot of these issues are not discussed openly very often.
Sometimes I think working mothers are afraid to admit that they actually want to work and have careers for fear that they will be judged, be viewed as not loving or caring about their children as much as others. I hope that others will not view me this way. But even if they do, I know it is not true. I can only explain my feelings as this: I am a better, happier, more fulfilled me when I am working. And a better, happier, more fulfilled me is a better mother to Simon, a better wife to Ryan.
So yes, back to work I will go.
But did I say I was ready?? Well, that's another story. I am only now getting into a groove here staying at home with Simon! And I haven't exactly missed those days of being glued to a blackberry....
If I thought my world was turned upside down when I started my maternity leave, then thinking about going back to work feels like flipping it all on its side.
For all the excitement and my readiness to reclaim a career I care about and to catch up with colleagues and friends, there are new fears about leaving my little boy with someone else, sadness that I will not have as many hours each day with him, strangeness and anxiety about re-entering a world that has changed so much in just a few months (I work on Wall Street - need I say more?)....
So I have been trying to tell myself that after surviving the unpredictable world of adoption and now parenthood, with all of their crazy ups and downs, I am capable of anything.
I hope so. (But please wish me luck anyway!)
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