roller coasters

I've written so many times before that the process of adopting a child can feel like an emotional roller coaster. We've certainly chronicled here the ride that was the paperwork process and the waiting (and waiting and waiting), and also the ups and downs of meeting our son and coming home and beginning our life together as a family. And I think we often focus on those aspects of the adoption as being the most crazy, emotion-filled, and challenging, and sometimes even as if they are the most amazing and meaningful ones. But the further we settle into life together and the crazy becomes the mundane, the more I realize that the roller coaster ride of this adoption has barely begun.

It has been a long time since we were in the routine of waking up in the middle of the night to tend to Simon, but every now and then we still have one of those nights where he can't get to sleep or he wakes up upset. Calming him down usually consists of me holding him and rocking him. Sometimes we dance around his room listening to lullabies. I usually whisper silly things to him - we talk about his stuffed animals and toys and about the fun things we'll do the next day - and a few not-so-silly things - like how much Ryan and I love him and how lucky we are.... (Not so) Secretly, I love these moments.

And sometimes in those moments, I momentarily lose my breath - literally. As if someone punched me in the gut. Because it is in those moments that I find myself thinking about the fact that Simon has a biological family somewhere in Ethiopia, and they will never get to experience these moments. And he will never get to know this family. My heart is so full for what this family has given to me and yet it aches so much for them too. I sometimes wonder if I will ever fully be able to reconcile these feelings.

Simon is far too young to really comprehend these things, but I know that someday he will. And then, when the paperwork is far, far behind us, and the roller coaster seems to have slowed down, I imagine we will find ourselves racing again up and down hills and through loops, trying to understand things about this world that may never really make sense. Because this roller coaster ride is not one that ends when the adoption process is complete. It is a part of our family and it goes on and on and on....