guzo: ethiopia... part two

So I've been tossing around thoughts about this post for the last few weeks (maybe more). With all the stories and opinions about adoption, especially international adoption, that have been in the news recently (see here for a summary of some recent articles, as well as some great commentary), I've had a lot of adoption-related thoughts on my mind lately (well, always... but more so lately) and have been meaning to post about some of them for a while.

I've drafted and redrafted this post, but I fear that my thoughts are at times jumbled, controversial, personal, rambling, emotional, subjective, not easily put into words... and the more I re-read what I wrote, the more I feared that my words would be misconstrued.

So I've done a bit of editing (mostly deleting) and decided to just say this:

It goes without saying that I am biased when it comes to adoption. I think it is a wonderful, wonderful way to build a family, and I have personally benefited greatly from adoption. That doesn't mean that I don't also recognize the potential downsides, the risks... the sad and difficult and undeserved realities without which adoption would not even be possible. I've never for a minute taken adoption - either the subject of adoption or the actual process and impact to families - lightly.

I am fully cognizant of the fact that adoption comes at a cost for the children involved and for their birth families. I understand that no matter how hard adoptive parents try to keep them alive, children in international and transracial adoptions, in particular, often lose certain ties to their ethnic backgrounds, culture, language, homeland, etc. And I know that there are certain questions that I will never be able to answer for my child.

I also know that corruption exists in adoption (though I firmly believe that there are many very ethical and diligent adoption programs worldwide who do everything they can to ensure that the process is handled lawfully and ethically from start to finish). That lack of resources and education and assistance can mean that loving parents and families will feel that they have no better option than to relinquish their children for adoption. I find it heartbreaking to think about the fact that many children are orphaned as a result of illnesses that could be treated easily by the health care and medical treatments that are readily available in the US.

These are painful and difficult topics to think about, but as an adoptive parent, I must. I would be doing a disservice to my son if I did not take the time to consider adoption as part of this bigger picture, to try to understand how others might see things, to be prepared for the questions that Simon might have... From the smaller things (e.g. Simon does not look like his parents...) to the bigger issues (e.g. the fact that AIDS continues to spread and devastate many countries in Africa), international adoption will always be part of a story that is complex and sometimes controversial.

But the fact that adoption is a part of this picture does not mean that adoption is a cause of these very complicated issues. Likewise, I know that adoption does not solve any of these problems. So I do get angry when I read articles or hear interviews with "experts" who question the motives of adoptive parents, suggest that adoption is a part of the problem, and/or that adoptive parents have no respect or regard for the countries or cultures our children were born into. It's simply not true. (And by the way, can anyone be an "expert" in adoption if he/she has not adopted or been adopted?)

When Ryan and I decided to adopt, we never once viewed the adoption as a humanitarian effort. We are very interested in contributing to such efforts, but that was not what drove our adoption. Our motivation was much more straightforward, some might even say selfish: we wanted to expand our family and we believed that we would be able to provide a loving and stable home to a child who did not already have those. That is what adoption is about. And it will be my greatest joy and my greatest challenge to spend the next many years trying to give Simon the love, opportunities, security and experiences that he deserves.

Most of the adoptive parents I have met have developed (if they did not already have these traits) an interest in the world, compassion for those who have less than they have, a desire to help others and to make a difference in the lives of people... and most of us do hope and believe that we are helping children when we offer them our love, our homes, our families. Is that wrong?

Still, if and when we find ourselves thinking about ways to make the world a better place, we take action: donating time, money, resources, spreading the word about worthwhile causes and organizations.

But we adopt for many other reasons - mostly for love. We take our time, we do our research, we care about the legitimacy and legality of the process. Adoption is a long, challenging, emotionally demanding process. It is not possible to complete an adoption if you do not devote your entire being to it. Of course, those who have experienced adoption know that there is an enormous payout, as adoption reaches beyond geographical borders, skin color, ethnicity... and centers on love and family, commitment and acceptance. To me, that is what adoption is about.